Sorry for the delay! My internet exploded in my apartment this weekend. Currently I am stealing from neighbors.
Here's my draft:
Love Poem From New York
At 6:30 am, the sun is just breaking
the Meer is still shadowed, the park barely stirring,
soft shuffle of cars and occasional feet.
The leaves on the sidewalk smell wet and strong.
In the lack of people, in the damp and the chill,
In the glisten of trees and the lake and the click
Of my heels in the empty new morning
I, quiet, imagine your day.
On the 55 home, fluorescent and humming,
I watch impassive as 3rd passes by,
Blankly consider the faces around me
Reflected -- distorted -- against the dark outside.
In silence, in passing, the fact of your absence,
Approaches and recedes. On the bus, in transition,
The thought of you at a distance
Glows hopeful but warmthless,
Like thin hints of sunrise,
Like light leaking from the refrigerator door.
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Hi Caroline,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you made any changes from your first draft, but I read over this poem a couple times since you've posted it and it sounds so good!
I especially like the second stanza. It's the most poetic-sounding to me [especially with the enjambment at "click/ Of me heels" like a heel is actually stopping to click on a sidewalk].
There is some imagery that I think you can enhance a bit. For example "The leaves on the sidewalk smell wet and strong." What do you mean by strong? Is there another image you can use? They smells strongly of what?
For this line, "Reflected -- distorted -- against the dark outside." I like it, but I feel the rhythm would be so much smoother if it had one less syllable. Is there a way you could rework this so that it ends up reading like iambic pentameter? example: "Reflected -- distorted -- 'gainst dark outside." Or even cutting it so that it reads in 11 syllables? Just a suggestion :) I like poetry that reads like a song...
My last comment...
In the line "Glows hopeful but warmthless," I really like the depth of the 2 lines that follow. I'm wondering if you might choose another word for "hopeful"? Hopeful sounds a bit cliche, while your poem is oh-so-not cliche!
Just suggestions :) Take it or leave it as you please. Beautiful poem!
The slightness of the objects in the first three lines (“just breaking,” “barely stirring,” “occasional feet”) allow for the emphasis of fourth line (“wet and strong”). I really like that structure.
ReplyDeleteThe fourth line of the second stanza also felt prominent to me. Again, strong structure, and I like how the punctuation isolates “quiet.”
I may have mentioned this before, but I love the line, “Blankly consider the faces around me.” With the comma before it I think you mean that the “I” has a blank stare. What if you put a period after “by”? I think this would bring the reader (or the “your”) into the story. The “I” would then be asking "you" to “consider the faces around me.” I hope that makes sense! I’m not sure that’s what you're going for, but that’s kind of how I read it even with the comma.
The last two lines are awesome. Reminds me of that Ezra Pound poem, “In a Station of the Metro.” Two images that you would not expect to convey the same idea. Pretty frickin cool. You might not want to try this, but could you take out the “like” in both lines and still get across the same point?
The thought of you at a distance
Glows, but warmthless:
Thin hints of sunrise,
Light leaking from the refrigerator door.
Also, I agree with Krizia about “hopeful." Maybe you could just take it out. I love it though, and think the structure is consistent and tight. No wasted words. So maybe my comments aren’t all that important :)
Hey, I know we're technically only supposed to comment on our group's work, but I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed this! Really strong imagery- I love the visuals. The only thing that confuses me is what is happening in that space between 6:30 in the morning and the bus home. But I am excited to read more.
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