Jenna - Bailey's Irish Cream

I used to think drinking coffee was bad. I didn’t like the way the beans could get stuck up your nose if you pushed ’em too hard. I didn’t mind the smell so much, just the taste it left in your mouth. I used to have to wash my morning coffee down with a shot of liquor so I wouldn’t have that disgusting bitter taste in my mouth all day. Anyway, I remembered from health class – the one they make everyone take in high school where they tell you over and over again not to use condoms because they’re not 100% effective – I remembered they also sometimes told us that wanting to make yourself throw up is a real dangerous eating disorder, anorexis or something. Well, Ma, she would just throw a hissy fit if she knew I went and got an eating disorder just from drinking a cup of coffee every morning! She was always real healthy-like. So I just never took to drinking coffee much.

But that was all before I met Bobby, my last boyfriend before that creep Todd. Now, Todd wasn’t half so bad as my cousin D-Roy who used to come a-courtin’ me back when I was still all innocent-like in high school. But look at me, getting off track like this! My Bobby, he was real smart. He always used to say what your Ma don’t know won’t hurt her. One day he got me up real early and we drove for a long time to this cute little café place a few towns over. It was real fancy-like, and there were big glass jars full of coffee beans all different sizes and colors lining the walls and the windows and the counter-top. Here’s the best part. Now, this little place, they let you order a cup of coffee with a shot of alcohol already in it! That’s how the Irish drink it. A man named Bailey thought it up. It didn’t taste half so bad as what I was used to! Bobby even bought me my very own bottle of the special liquor they use so I could start making myself a nice cup of coffee every morning. Now I can’t think how I ever got through the day without it! And I’ll let you in on a little secret – sometimes, if Bobby and I had a real wild night or something, I’d put in two shots of liquor. Just think of that!

A few weeks later Krissy-Lee, she’s the town drunk, she told me that Barbara-Ann told her that Sally Johnson was with her beau Marty at the same little café I was just telling you about and she saw my Bobby there with another woman! Well, was I a-waiting for Bobby when he came home that night! And when he did his big old head ran right into my bottle of liquor. For his sake it was a sure good thing I had finished off the last of the liquor that day or he would have gotten himself all wet. That night I was feeling pretty bad about the whole thing and I went to find some company at Big Bull Tavern. That’s where I met Todd. Todd told me that he had had a pretty bad day too on account of his pussy cat dying. I felt real bad and we talked for a while and the next thing I know I’m pregnant! I also talked to that Sally Johnson at the Tavern that night and she told me that it was Bobby’s sister who was with him at the café. Well, there’s something mighty wrong with that Bobby if he’d go a-cheating on me with his own sister, but I try not to think about it too much. Anyway, I had some other things sitting on my mind back then.

The first thing I was thinking about was what to name the baby. I liked Janie if it were a girl and Todd Jr. if it were a boy, but when Todd up and left me three weeks later that name was out of the question. I didn’t much mind that he left. He had this real annoying habit of sleepwalking and opening our bedroom window in the middle of the night. He used to say my house stunk worse than a fish market. I wouldn’t know, having never been to a fish market. It would get real cold and I didn’t think that was too good for our baby. Either way, I was curious when one night he didn’t come home from his job at the auto-mechanic. I took my purse and my coat and I walked all the way 1.5 miles to Mr. Jones’s shop. When I finally got there I was real tired and cold on account of it being November and Mr. Jones himself offered me a nice cup of coffee to warm me up. He didn’t have any liquor, so I declined real nicely. Then he told me that he had fired Todd that morning on account of him stealing one of them cars he was supposed to be fixing. Todd doesn’t know he’s fired, though, since he drove off before Mr. Jones got the chance to tell him and he hasn’t been back since.

Well, talking to Mr. Jones made me real happy that Todd was gone because I wouldn’t want a car thief helping raise my baby! So I thanked Mr. Jones for all his help and was about to walk back home but Mr. Jones – he’s a real gentleman – he said 1.5 miles was a long way for a pregnant lady to walk so he offered to drive me home himself. I was real grateful. When we got home I wanted some company so I invited Mr. Jones inside, but he said he had to get back to his shop. After a while I started to get a little sad and lonely and was thinking about going back to the Big Bull when all of a sudden the doorbell rang! I thought to myself it must be Todd. I was gonna give that creep a piece of my mind. But it wasn’t Todd, it was Bobby’s sister. She said she was worried cause she hadn’t seen Bobby in a while and she thought I might know where he was. Now, usually I wouldn’t be inclined to be nice and friendly-like to my boyfriend’s secret lover, but as I said I was lonely, so I invited her in. We had a nice long talk. I made her a cup Bailey’s Irish Coffee and she said it was even better than the ones they served at the café. Then I told her all about how it was real nice of Bobby to take me to the café and get me drinking coffee in the first place. One thing led to another and soon she knew I was pregnant and in need of a name for my baby, on account of Todd Jr. being no good anymore. She said she always liked the name Donald, like the duck. Well, that got me laughing and then she started laughing and we were both laughing and talking for a long time. I guess the four pots of coffee I made kept us up all through the night. It was real nice, having company like that. I never had a real friend I could talk to before. So after we had been talking girl talk and sharing our secrets all night I figured I could tell her where Bobby was. I took her down the stairs to the basement and the smell got real strong. She almost couldn’t stand it and started to turn back but I guess that was when she saw Bobby cause she screamed real loud. My ears are still hurting from it.

After that I knew it wouldn’t be long till the cops came to get me so I went upstairs and packed my suitcase. Sure enough, not an hour later, there they were. I’m not too worried. The nice men who picked me up told me they have good doctors here who will help deliver my baby when the time comes. I’ve decided to name him Bailey after the wonderful person who invented my coffee. I do wish they knew how to make it here. That is the one thing I am really going to miss.