Krizia - Draft 1.5 [Draft 1 was just a little bit different]
I talked to a lot of people and thought about a lot of things today. Sometimes I felt victorious. And other times, I felt the lack of color in the area surrounding my cold body. Most of the time, I feel like a spectator. If the people I watched and observed could read my mind, they'd puff their chests out and think, "I am the type of person that other people only wish they could be." And they would be right. In my case, at least.
I remembered and noticed a lot of things today. Like how he'd always open the door for me. He'd always put the toiled seat back up after peeing. He always smiled at me with that crooked smile he was so ashamed of. He knew my favorite foods...that my favorite colors are black and white.
I noticed a hole in my stockings as I was getting ready this morning. I took out my little sewing kit from my pajama drawer and got down to business. While noodling around for some needle and thread, I found an unfinished toy I had been working on as a Christmas present for his cat. It sounds absurd, I know. But he really liked them. He really, really liked them.
"No one has ever done anything like this for me before." Thinking about that comment still makes me smile. I hadn't finished this one because it was my "test piece" and the stitches weren't coming out quite like I'd expected. Then again, nothing ever really comes out quite like you'd expect.
Don't you hate how the moment you think you've purged your life of someone, they just come back again? In the form of something...a dream, a nightmare, a business card stuck in an old book that you had been using as a book mark...or in the form of an unfinished cat toy in a sewing kit in your pajama drawer.
I'm dating someone new now. He has cats too (what's with me dating guys who have cats?). I stared at the paw print patterned cloth, examined the sky blue thread. For a moment, I considered finishing this one and giving it to my someone new. But who would want a gift that wasn't originally meant for them? I'll go to the store, pick up some cloth and catnip, and make him new ones if I have the time. Maybe. We'll see.
I wonder if I'd given him the chance, whether or not he'd be the type of guy whom I could walk our dogs with every night. I wonder if there's anyone better out there, and I worry that there might not be. I wonder if our differences were enough for me to make the decision that I did, and then I second-guess not putting more thought into it. I should have asked him what he expected of our relationship and what he expected of me, instead of just, well, running away.
The transitions between the paragraphs work very well, even though they're not always directly related. I’ve read paragraph five a few times and have thought something different each time. I really like it, because it’s so sudden. But the first time I read it, the word “purged” stuck out. It’s a very strong verb. I maybe just associate it with something almost religious, like the purging of sins. I also think about some one throwing up. So if those are the images you want to convey, I say keep it. If not, maybe try something less visual - more abstract. It could just be the mood I’m in.
ReplyDeleteKrizia --
ReplyDeleteAgain, I tried to post last night but I was having a hard time getting it to work for some reason. Here are my thoughts:
I really like the second draft. I particularly liked the addition of the cat toy. It gets at exactly the right mood without being too obvious, and I love the point you made about the way that finding something as random as a cat toy can bring up some many associations.
To me, this is the strongest part of the story, and I think that maybe you should pare off some of the beginning and end to focus around this central narrative. In particular, I think that the line "Maybe. We'll see." is a great ending, and the last paragraph sort of distracted me right when I was starting to get into thinking about the cat toy. Maybe you should just cut it, or move it up earlier, because I think it fits more with your general reflections on the boyfriend before you get into the cat toy stuff.
I'm looking forward to reading another draft!
Thanks for the comments guys!
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